Grand Plans: November 7, 2024

A semi-monthly newsletter from Grand Plans designed to normalize and celebrate our glorious geri-destiny through information, stories, real talk conversation, smart planning and shared experience.

Things I’m prattling on about today

For some reason unbeknownst to me, the interweb algorithms pegged me as someone who might benefit from a better understanding narcissism and as a result, I have been splashing around in a few weeks' worth of podcasts and books related to the topic. What began with some provoking Tik-Tok nibbles from that bright-eyed Texas lawyer Jefferson Fisher (above) turned into a decadent star-sighting of him on my favorite podcast program Mel Robbins which led me even further down the rabbit hole to another couple of Mel Robbins podcasts with narcissist expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula, author of the book, "It's Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People," which I voraciously read cover to cover in a few days' time. I am now a little more informed on the matter. But I'm also scared because, holy hell. Narcissism is one horrendous personality style that can wreck lives and relationships. Plus, am I a narcissist? Is that person over there one? Does her weirdo behavior indicate a smidge of the cissism? This deep dive into narcissism was revealing and stirred up some new questions related to aging. Like...what happens to narcissists when they get older? Is this a thing in Gerontology? And most importantly, should there be a Grand Plans 2.0 chapter on how to mitigate narcissistic geri-drama?

Luckily, the timing was right to dig up some fresh hot answers. I recently started a new class called Research Design and Methods, which is all about examining the facts -- and kicking my a**, it seems. This bullet trained me down new rabbit hole: existing research on aging and narcissism. And ya'll. I can tell you this: it's DEF a thing. So, let's talk about narcissism, what it is, whether you might be one (!!) and how this personality style affects the senior experience we envision for ourselves -- and our loved ones.

I'll try to make this a quick read.

First, a definition of narcissism, from my buddy CoPilot: "People with a narcissistic personality style often exhibit a combination of these traits:

• Grandiosity: An inflated sense of self-importance and superiority over others.

• Need for Admiration: Constantly seeking validation and praise.

• Lack of Empathy: Difficulty understanding or caring about the feelings and needs of others.

• Entitlement: Believing they deserve special treatment and privileges.

• Arrogance: Displaying haughty behaviors and attitudes.

• Exploitativeness: Taking advantage of others to achieve their own goals.

• Preoccupation with Success: Obsessively focusing on fantasies of power, success, and attractiveness.

• Envy: Being envious of others or believing others are envious of them.

• Fragile Self-Esteem: Reacting strongly to criticism or perceived slights.

Sound familiar? We all have these folks in our lives. They are the people who yammer on about themselves at dinner parties, crave and hog the spotlight, tell you you're wrong or gaslight, think they're the smartest person in the room, reach out only when they need something from you, act like they are special and require bespoke experiences, don't listen in conversation or show interest in others, struggle with empathy and often can't read the room. And this is the easy stuff. Some people have to contend with narcissists who are downright sinister and scary, manipulative and dangerous.

Worried you may be a narcissist? Well, if you're concerned about it, you probably aren't one. And if you are one, then you may find a way to manipulate this test, but here's a link to find out just in case. And here's another quiz to help you figure out wth? about somebody else. BTW, once you are labeled a narcissist, are you always a narcissist? Read up on that here.

By now you may have thoughts on how an older adult with narcissistic personality style might present some challenges to the whole caregiving relationship. So, let's wade into that and start with the good news about aging and narcissism. First, a July 2024 study from the American Psychological Association shows narcissism may decrease with age. Hooray! Positive findings: "Overall, the researchers found that all three types of narcissism declined from childhood through old age, with a small decline for agentic narcissism and a moderate decline for antagonistic and neurotic narcissism."

And now, wah-wah....the Debbie Downer findings: "...People’s narcissism relative to that of their peers did not change significantly over time. In other words, people who were more narcissistic than average as children remained more narcissistic than average as adults. “This was true even across very long periods of time, which suggests that narcissism is a stable personality trait,” Orth said.

If you had hopes that the aging narcissist in your life might freaking tone it down a little during their Golden Years and are now completely deflated by the fact they won't, then stop reading. I'm afraid the scientific research on this topic isn't much more positive. There is little doubt narcissism has a negative impact on the senior experience we envision for ourselves and our loved ones, making the second half experience a lot harder on everyone. Here are a few studies to consider if you want to learn more: The Aging Narcissus: Just a Myth? Narcissism Moderates the Age-Loneliness Relationship in Older Age: Narcissism, Social Encounters, and Mood in Late Life Narcissistic Aspects of Aging and Illness:

In short, narcissism can really get in the way of a glorious Golden Years experience -- for the person, their loved ones and the community that has to put up with them. Here are a few of the challenges this personality style presents, according to the AI interwebs:

• Increased Vulnerability: Older adults with narcissistic traits may feel more vulnerable as they face physical and social changes associated with aging. Their sense of self-worth can be threatened by these changes, leading to increased anxiety and stress

• Challenges in Relationships: Narcissistic tendencies can strain relationships with family, friends, and caregivers. Older adults with narcissism may struggle to maintain empathy and understanding, leading to conflicts and misunderstandings.

• Dependence on Others: As they age, narcissistic individuals may become more dependent on others for emotional and physical support. This can be challenging for them, as they may have difficulty accepting help and acknowledging their own vulnerabilities.

• Entitlement and Control Issues: Narcissistic older adults may continue to exhibit a sense of entitlement and a desire for control. This can lead to conflicts with caregivers and family members, as they may resist following advice or accepting assistance.

• Fear of Isolation: Older adults with narcissism may fear being alone or losing their social status. This fear can drive them to seek constant validation and attention, which can be exhausting for themselves and those around them.

This is a long way of saying, supporting aging loved ones is hard. But supporting aging narcissist loved ones is harder -- hardest! The WOAT! (Worst of all time) If this is you or someone you love, we see you! Hang in there, shore up your boundaries and be careful! There is no "fixing" a person with this personality style. As the research shows, it's a "stable" trait that doesn't improve much with age. It is not going to get better, ever! So, the quicker we can spot narcissistic personality style, define it, distance ourselves from it and lessen expectations for its improvement, the smoother the sunset stroll will be. Facts.

News you can use

Here are a few more recent news articles on narcissism if this topic interests, fascinates or infuriates(!) you:

2 Reasons Why Narcissists Struggle With Commitment—By A Psychologist

New tool helps assess narcissism in job candidates

Having a Strong Opinion Does Not Make Someone Narcissistic

35 Phrases To Disarm a Narcissist and Why They Do the Trick, According to Therapists

Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest social media channel of them all? Why Grand Plans, of course! Make sure you’re connected to Grand Plans on social media (Instagram, Facebook, YouTube and LinkedIn) so you don’t miss a thing! GerontoloGeeWhiz! is the latest little ditty out there on the line. Enjoy!

And you can keep up with all the “GeronTOKogy” fun by following MyGrandPlans on TikTok. This is new territory for me so be patient!

Shelf life

Buy this book, It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Ramani Durvasula, PhD. It is so good. Even if this issue really isn’t a thing in your life, I promise you’ll get something out of it and at least have some new awareness of narcissistic personality style and how to handle it.

And of course, it’s also smart to remember to order a copy of Grand Plans and the Grand Planner for all your friends. Let’s hold each other accountable?

Some golden gedunk and goods

Get yourself another few copies of Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and the Grand Planner for all the people who like getting gifts in your life! Visit www.mygrandplans.com for links to purchase on Amazon.

And… Check out our Grand Plans merch in our Etsy storefront.