Grand Plans: July 18, 2024
A semi-monthly newsletter from Grand Plans designed to normalize and celebrate our glorious geri-destiny through information, stories, real talk conversation, smart planning and shared experience.
Things I’m prattling on about today
You know after you go through something extremely difficult, years later you’re like, “how in the actual heck did I do that?” Shivers, right? Like when you muddle through a tough technology situation and you finally hunt, panic-peck and tap your way to success and then the next month you can’t for the life remember how you got yourself through it all to replicate your solution? Or how you go to the DMV and struggle through having some important document changed and then the whole proper process just disappears from your memory banks and you can’t even help someone else through the first steps — because the whole experience has literally LEFT YOUR BRAIN?? That’s how it is with all the post-death red tape and hoops and impossible processes associated.
I am reading the book, Briefly Perfectly Human: Making an Authentic Life by Getting Real About the End, by trending death doula Alua Arthur. In it, Arthur describes the “maze of paperwork” her brother-in-law’s death triggered and how a few “to-do” sticky notes ballooned to thick covering of things to do to close up his estate.
“If I, the valiant juris-Doctor-carrying sister-in-law, couldn’t make sense of the myriad things to do to wrap up my brother-in-law’s affairs, how could my heavily grieving sister? How could people who don’t have any support at all?” she writes in the chapter on her sister’s husband, Peter.
It brought back that shivery feeling of trying to conjure up the answers to an exam I’d pulled an all-nighter cramming for. The horror of forgetting rattles to the core, and Arthur’s book sent my mind spinning to recollect how I had handled post-death “stuff” with the loved ones in my life. I thought about those days following my dad’s death and all the fears we faced. The photo above is an actual photo of what it looked like to sit in his quiet apartment and ruminate about it all. Yet, I can hardly remember the particulars.
Turns out, I couldn’t remember details for a very good reason — I had never really navigated it to begin with. I’ve had a front row seat to it all, and certainly helped from the sidelines and had been tasked with key projects, but I was never “that person” when it came to directing the after-life insanity. My brother was the executor when my father died in 2021 (bless him) and my dad managed it all when my mom died 30 years beforehand. In the remote caregiving management I provided for some seniors several years ago, I was able to loosen myself from the situation when the mother finally passed away. So, thankfully, or not depending on how you look at it, I couldn’t remember how to handle all the red tape because I’d never had to do it.
Which made me even MORE nervous. Shouldn’t I know this? Shouldn’t I be able to speak on it with authority if it is the sole focus, purpose and obsession of my work in this era? Shouldn’t I be an expert-level geri-mitigator on such important topics? I started pitting,
…and panic-Googling. I needed to find some answers so I would not appear brain-fogged if engaged on the subject. Here’s what I found:
This article from AARP includes a very helpful list
This piece from Fidelity also is excellent
This research helped me calm my bod enough to remember a big takeaway from my dad’s death experience. The funeral home or service you use can direct you expertly through all the next steps and tell you exactly what to do in the wake of a loved one’s passing. So don’t freak out like I did! These professional, compassionate people are after-life experts, you can lean on them. Our funeral home point of contact led us through every single little detail, including how many death certificates we’d need to order and what companies, services and institutions we’d need to contact and how and when and why. They helped with obituary placement and connecting with the church and cemetery and all the things. ALL the things. This important relationship can really set you up for success.
The biggest thing to remember is you are not the first person to face the post-death red tape and all its madness. Literally every human being on this planet will face it, and one day cause it! The best we can all do is read up on it, prepare for it and fumble through it like everyone else when the time comes. The “after” life and its red tape suck! But woop, there it is.
News you can use
I was very, very fortunate that my brother so capably and willingly handled all the estate wrap-up after our father’s passing. That job is hard work, and this story in the Atlantic magazine titled, “Dear Therapist: My Father Died, I’m Doing All the Estate Work, and No One Appreciates Me” captures this burden and some of the emotional baggage attached well, IMHO.
Here’s a handy, simplified version of what an executor does from Forbes magazine.
Read up on the five things to consider before becoming an executor…
…And the five surprising hazards to look out for once you are one.
Or maybe you need to execute your plans to attend one of these Grand Plan presentations upcoming:
Grand Plans Podcast
I welcome any podcast guest suggestions! This season we’re talking to people who have been there done that. We’re talking about our experiences and lessons learned. Let me know if you want to be part of the conversation and sharing!
Geris-prudence
Enjoy this stellar video from my hometown friend and lawyer Seth K. Bell on how family members might interfere with the sale of estate property.
This is also some good information from the American Bar Association about guidelines for individual executors and trustees. Really helpful.
Advanced health and wellness
Being “the person” or the executor or a team player closing down the life and estate of a loved one is stressful, this is truth. Here are a few ways to reduce stress during the process — the one every one of us will face one day in some role:
The grand sum
Read up on what estate settlement can cost you in this article from the Financial Post:
“Estate settlement can have direct and indirect costs for executors and beneficiaries. Some costs can be minimized with a bit of planning, and others can be well worth incurring to avoid costly consequences.
Estate settlement involves carrying out the final wishes of someone who has died. An executor is appointed by way of a will to settle an estate, while an administrator is appointed by the court if the deceased did not have a will.
Estate settlement is subject to provincial law, and ultimately results in the distribution of someone’s assets to their beneficiaries.” (Read rest of article here.)
Shelf life
Order a copy of Grand Plans and the Grand Planner for all your friends. Why not start a summer book club and hold each other accountable?
Shared experience
We can all learn from each other’s geri-scary moments. What are some of your takeaway lessons? What have you promised yourself you’ll never do to your loved ones? What worked for you? What didn’t? More conversation and story-sharing helps elevate the senior experience for all of us. If you want to share your grand tales, email susannabarton@me.com and I’ll put them in an upcoming newsletter.
Some golden gedunk and goods
Get yourself another few copies of Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and the Grand Planner for all the people who like getting gifts in your life! Visit www.mygrandplans.com for links to purchase on Amazon.
And
Check out our Grand Plans merch in our Etsy storefront.
