Grand Plans: January 4, 2024
A semi-monthly newsletter from Grand Plans designed to normalize and celebrate our glorious geri-destiny through information, stories, real talk conversation, smart planning and shared experience.
Things I’m prattling on about today
Happy New Year! I’m still sitting here in a post-holiday stupor, thinking about all things merry and bright. And presen(ce)ts.
My friend Lara Patangan wrote about presents…and presence!…in a recent blog post and I have similar sentiments to share. Her message is that we invest too much in giving (and getting!) the best presents. In actuality, presence is the best gift of all.
I am terrible at this because, like Lara, I enjoy giving ACTUAL presents to friends and family during the holidays. It’s my love language. I think long and hard about what present I will buy for whom, and I buy just the right thing. I love wrapping it all up and putting it under my tree. And I love seeing adored faces light up when the presents I’ve curated are opened and appreciated. And I love getting gifts, too, because it tells me, “he girl, this person really knows and loves you.” Stuff gifts bring me some blissful measure of contentment — which is probably why my children are going to have a big mess of stuff on their hands when I exit. Not really, but there’s a chance.
I should take a cue from my own childhood. I remember my Grandmother’s Ponds-y hugs and jeans-burning radiator much more than I do the socks or dollar bills she gave me each Christmas. I appreciate the low-key tradition of canned cranberry sauce, white rice with butter, and hot dinner rolls at my other grandmother’s house each Christmas, even more than whatever Sound Warehouse gift card she slung under the tree for my brother and me. And though I never knew they were doing it, I will forever be grateful to my grandparents for donating college money each December, dollars that added up and funded my education later in life. I can’t remember what kind of robes, slippers, watches and Walkmans I received from my parents, but I relish the memories of us together in the early mornings and the conversation, interest, guidance and gracious affection they always demonstrated — during the holidays and through each year they were alive.
Music was another gift of presence I was fortunate enough to receive during the holidays. My grandmother’s family would convene each year at one of the siblings’ or cousins’ homes and someone always played the piano, just like you see in the photo above. There was singing. Lots of singing and holiday flair (and untimely nose-picking, toddler-Me’s contribution!). Fledgling musicians also were invited to perform. I played the cello, my cousin Jenny jammed on the flute. My dad hammered out an accompaniment on the piano. At home, Dad played the flute and piano when he was stressed out. I remember those presence. I also think fondly of the early mornings when I’d see my mom sitting on the couch in a darkened sunroom, reading her Bible and steeling herself quietly for the day. Those moments, too, were wonderful presence. I’ll never forget when mom died and my Goliad grandmother just arrived at our house, and stayed. And cooked. And hugged. Presence. And when my Uncle George and Aunt Pam also moved in for a spell, just — to be. Presence.
I’ve also come to know how short-lived these opportunities for presence can be. Most of the folks I mentioned above are gone now. And I wish I’d been more aware of what an expensive, loving gift it was to spend time with them.
I’m going to try real, real hard to develop a new love language in 2024 and beyond — one that doesn’t need buying or wrapping or fussing over. The intangible gifts are better! Presence, not presents, is the gift that keeps on giving….especially on that Golden Years approach!
News you can use
Presence with family and friends is everything as we age! Here are a few tips on making meaningful connections with the people we love.
Or you could sign up for Grandma School. I want to go!
Sometimes, better connection comes from a long overdue apology.
…Or just letting go already of the emotional baggage that’s bringing you down and keeping you from being connected and present.
Here’s the kind of baggage therapists see senior patients drag into their office.
And FYI, here’s where lost luggage goes to die, or find new life! Make a trip there with the grands and other family, build new moments of presence and connection!
Geris-prudence
Advanced health and fitness
The grand sum
This piece posted December 28, 2023 in Kiplinger titled, “Retirees’ Anti-Bucket List: 10 Experiences You Don’t Want” will help you think through some of the financial prep work you need to do for retirement. Great stuff!
Shelf life
ICYMI, Grand Plans is now being published in a monthly column in the beautiful new First Coast Senior Living magazine! Below is the December column announcement. Look for the January column soon!
Shared experience
We can all learn from each other’s geri-scary moments. What are some of your takeaway lessons? What have you promised yourself you’ll never do to your loved ones? What worked for you? What didn’t? More conversation and story-sharing helps elevate the geri-experience for all of us. If you want to share your grand tales, email susannabarton@me.com and I’ll put them in an upcoming newsletter. Here’s today’s Shared Experience:
“Talk to an attorney early in the game about best practice ways to help your loved one financially, especially if you think they may qualify for Medicaid down the road. And always keep detailed records of any support, loans or services you offer older adults. Some of the legalities around gifts are strict and can disqualify them from receiving government aid.”
— Anonymous
O-bitchin’
I hope this beautifully written obituary for Judy Gabel — a much loved Jacksonville woman who seemed to have lived a life serving and supporting others with an inspiring joy — goes viral, both for its content end-of-life lessons. Please do yourself a favor and read the entire piece, it is long but enriching in 100 different ways.
“Even during her struggle with memory loss, she talked about "making a difference,""doing her best," and "keeping on keeping on." At the Pines, dissatisfied that she couldn't contribute as substantially as she had in the past, Judy was always looking for new and more ways to help people. When the hospice nurse asked how she could help her, Judy asked NurseEdye, "How can I help you?"
“Over the years, Judy gave explicit instructions to her family if her dementia progressed to the point where she did not know who she was, where she was, and could not communicate with her children or recognize her family, she did not want to be kept alive. For over seven weeks, she refused food and subsequently water. During that time numerous friends, relatives, and former students sent messages which the family have been able to read to her about the difference she made in their lives. Even though it was hard on the family, they all respected her choice for the end of her life and admired her strength, determination, and self-knowledge to make such a decision.”
May her memory be a blessing, I know it has inspired me to be more like Judy. #GrandPlans
Some golden gedunk and goods
Get yourself another few copies of Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and the Grand Planner for all the people who like getting gifts in your life! Visit www.mygrandplans.com for links to purchase on Amazon.
Check out our Grand Plans merch in our Etsy storefront.
