Grand Plans: December 7, 2023

A semi-monthly newsletter from Grand Plans designed to normalize and celebrate our glorious geri-destiny through information, stories, real talk conversation, smart planning and shared experience.

Geri-news you can use

The holidays are here and ‘tis the season to brush up on your pop culture references and social relevance so you can hold engaging conversations with all the young people you love. Taylor Swift is always a good place to start. Several issues ago, we told you about the “seemingly ranch” explosion. Now understand why the Swifties in your life will be dashing away from the dinner table and flocking to television streaming services on December 13. And why Beyonce is also keeping the cool kids’ eyes on the boob tube, all $21 million of them.

(And ICYMI, Swift is TIME magazine’s Person of the Year. Please know this.)

Level up your geri-coolness game by asking your Swiftie yoots what era they’ll be wearing to the streamed show. Then take it up 10 notches by explaining what your favorite Taylor Swift era is and why it’s the best.

Lastly, read up on Taylor’s relationship with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce and understand the uproar over his mother’s Today Show comment, OK?

She’s more than OK, Taylor Swift is even on the syllabus at Harvard. And UF.

Speaking of the smart kids, it’s good to know what Merriam-Webster dictionary’s 2023 word of the year is. Spoiler alert, it’s a REAL good one. The Oxford English Dictionary’s word of the year is straight out of “Grease,” a real internet slang pink lady of sorts.

Ready to relate with more people on the sunset stroll? Here are six secrets to staying relevant as you age.

Geris-prudence

Learn about the importance of estate planning, legacy and getting legit about your legal affairs via the famous “don’t do this” example from the singer formerly known as Prince.

Fit as a fiddle

Mental health problems in the aging adult population are a growing concern. One reason is the expanse of the senior demographic — by 2030, 1.4 billion people will be over the age of 60 (!!!) Awareness of and preparation for mental health concerns during the senior experience can help curb the surprise, particularly this study from the World Health Organization.

“Around 14% of adults aged 60 and over live with a mental disorder (2). According to the Global Health Estimates (GHE) 2019, these conditions account for 10.6% of the total disability (in disability adjusted life years, DALYs) among older adults. The most common mental health conditions for older adults are depression and anxiety. GHE 2019 shows that globally, around a quarter of deaths from suicide (27.2%) are among people aged 60 or over. Mental health conditions among older people are often underrecognized and undertreated, and the stigma surrounding these conditions can make people reluctant to seek help.”

Read the study and report here.

The grand sum

From Michelle Singletary’s (I love her sm) money milestones for every age interactive feature in the Washington Post:

Question: When is the right time to talk to my parents about their financial plans for retirement?

“One thing is for sure: The time to have the retirement talk with your parents is long before there’s a crisis that requires you to take over.

To get the conversation going, do a reality check. Point out that 70 percent of seniors will need some type of long-term care. And those who do often find that they and their caregivers are woefully unprepared for the cost.

Your caregiving storm is coming, and it’s likely to bring emotional and financial turmoil.

If there’s even an inkling that you may become the caregiver for an aging parent or relative, start planning now. Ask about their finances.

I know what you’re going to ask next: What if they won’t talk about their finances?

Keep trying.

Here’s a conversation opening you can try: “Mom, if there comes a point you need assistance, it’s my job to take care of you in the way you want, and the only way I can do that is for you to share with me your financial situation.”

Maybe this tactic will work, maybe not. But be persistent nonetheless.”

Podcast News: Grand Plans Season 3

Season 2 of the Grand Plans podcast has drawn to a close, but we are looking toward Season 3 with tremendous enthusiasm! Do you know a professional, expert or friend with a personal story to share about the senior experience? Let’s get them on the podcast for an interview that can help others navigate a complex time.

Things I’m prattling on about today

am all for letting an older loved one do life their way with dignity, grace and determination. But what happens when that way isn’t smart, or feasible or is downright dangerous? What do you do when living in la-la land and ignoring reality just doesn’t work anymore? How do you support without plunging yourself — and your loved one — into geri-panic?

Here are a few examples:

1. A woman for whom I managed caregiving was resolute about staying in her home with her gigantic dog, which as we all know is very expensive when 24-7 care is needed. Finances were limited. And most assets were not a quick liquidation. And she wasn’t keen on selling these assets, nor any other resources that might generate the cash she needed for fundamental daily living…like electricity and property taxes and, dog food. At first I was like, OK, you do you with that plan — good luck. But as time and decline went on and expenses continued to mount (as they generally do when not they’re not being paid), it became an emergency with infernos to put out everywhere. And it was like that pretty much until she passed away, just fire after fire after fire. A few rational decisions early on would have flame-proofed this situation for everyone.

2. Another older person I knew refused to use a pill dispenser to manage medication. Heck, I already need one of those things to keep myself straight! The reality is, the confusion around whether or not lifesaving drugs have been taken will one day lead to serious emergencies. It’s pretty simple. Yet, how do you balance respect and dignity preservation with laying out a plan that will save the day? Tricky.

3. One loved one refused to relay any financial plan for their future, which was troubling and caused unspoken worry for all. And because of the head-in-the-sand reception to the probing, the family erred on the side of protecting dignity and behind-the-back eye-rolling. And though this situation played out without the expected potholes, it was just stupid luck, plain and simple.

I know we should aim to respect our elders’ choices and preferences, I would want this for myself when my peeps are up in my business trying to make me do stuff I don’t want to do. But I also hope I will respect their concerns because they’re much smarter than I am. Truly. I hope I can listen to their reasoning and be flexible with my arrangements to avoid undue geri-scaries.

Like everything else Grand Plans related, these situations could have upheld dignity and respect on all sides with communication, trust, empathy and light planning. #GrandPlans

Shelf Life

Please enjoy this most generous and thoughtful review of Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and Grand Planner, by my talented author friend, Lara Patangan:

“Most days I feel like I’m seventeen, only without the boyfriend drama and with a credit card that I didn’t “borrow” from my mom. Those are good days. Days where life still feels full of possibilities and bending over to pick up the clothes I’ve strewn about my bedroom doesn’t make me sigh or wince.

Then there are other days where I catch glimpses in a street window or store mirror and I’m so struck by the elder version of me that I put my readers on and examine the reflection more carefully feeling betrayed like I just awoke from a sleepover where unbeknownst to me some mean girl drew lines on my face as some cruel practical joke. My eyes are puffier, my face thinner, and I try to reconcile these physical changes with the young, silly girl I still feel like inside.

And while I’m not quite elderly, I’ve aged enough to know that there’s nothing silly in this getting old business. It’s complicated. There are the pesky forms at the doctor’s office where you have to decide whether you want to be resuscitated; who you are giving power of attorney to when you can’t make decisions for yourself anymore; setting up wills and estate planning; who gets what and what the woo-ha do we do with the lifetime of accumulated stuff that the priest warned us we couldn’t take with us when we go but we bought anyway because it was on sale. Surely, God appreciates a bargain.

I’ve tried to navigate some of this more serious stuff both in my life and with aging parents. Like most overcomplicated, overwhelming work, I think it’s something most of us are tempted to avoid. And, yet, it’s important to ourselves and those we love to give some forethought and planning to the intricacies of our later years.  And, truthfully, sometimes our later years start way earlier than we plan.

My friend and talented writer, Susanna Barton, feels so passionately about the importance of being deliberate about normalizing aging through planning and conversation that she wrote, Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps. What I like best about her work on the subject is she offers an easy-to-follow cheat sheet of how to tackle the most important issues related to aging. Best of all is her unapologetically positive perspective about getting older. (I mean the girl gave me a mu-mu for my birthday. I can’t think of anything more positive and hopeful than that! Here I am, still trying to squeeze myself into my out-of-style skinny jeans and she has wrapped up for me a big billowing dress that I could not only hide my entire family in but that also says relax, you don’t have to suck your tummy in anymore. Let that madness go. How positive is that?)

I don’t write book reviews and I’m sure someone else could do way more justice to the insights that I’m certain readers will benefit from in her book. But, I also know that her posts on the merits and joy of aging; the way she inspires readers to plan for the years ahead; and her encouragement to have hard conversations with the people we love; have made me think seriously about how I want to live in the years I have ahead of me.  

In truth, I hope I always feel like a seventeen-year-old girl because the best thing about being that girl wasn’t the flat-tummy I had.  It was how full of wonder I was about all that’s possible in the world. Susanna reminds us that even in our later years, we can still make grand plans.  The only difference for me is that I’ll make mine in my mu-mu.” (You can purchase Lara’s wonderful book, Simple Mercies: How the Works of Mercy Bring Peace and Fulfillment here.)

One last book thing. Grand Plans is launching in San Antonio, TX on February 3 at The Twig bookstore, another great place to keep your dollars local! If buying locally isn’t an option, visit www.mygrandplans.com for links to purchase on Amazon. Thanks for your support!

Shared experience

We can all learn from each other’s geri-scary moments. What are some of your takeaway lessons? What have you promised yourself you’ll never do to your loved ones? What worked for you? What didn’t? More conversation and story-sharing helps elevate the geri-experience for all of us. If you want to share your grand tales, email susannabarton@me.com and I’ll put them in an upcoming newsletter. Here’s today’s Shared Experience:

“Mom set up a joint checking account w/ brother to cover all her funeral expenses including travel & lodging for kids, their spouses, and her grandchildren (14 peeps) to travel to DC for her burial in Arlington w/ Daddy. She wasn’t rich, just a practical middle class lady who wanted no excuses not to be able to come to her funeral. So, she set up a joint bank account to underwrite travel & lodging for out-of-town family to come to the funeral.”

“My brother booked us all at a Marriott and collected all our receipts for cabs, meals, etc. then wrote us a check. I felt like it was a business trip. I can think of 3 people who wouldn’t have been able to afford travel expenses otherwise. It was $10k in 1996; not sure what the budget would be now.”

— Anonymous

O-Bitchin

Read this beautiful tribute to Washington Monthly founder, Charlie Peters. Thinking about an obituary or memorial in terms of a person’s legacy, or “why they mattered,” is an inspiring template to consider.

And one more Charlie for the road. At age 99, Charlie Munger was still advising on major financial decisions and making a lot of folks very, very wealthy. Plus, he’s a model of frugality and humility, living in the same home for 70 years. Bless him.

Some golden gedunk and goods

All I can tell you is Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and Grand Planner both make excellent stocking stuffers for good boys and girls of all adult ages. It’s a gift to the getter, and to the giver because it promises a better senior experience for all of us! visit www.mygrandplans.com for links to purchase on Amazon.

Check out our Grand Plans merch in our new Etsy storefront.