Grand Plans: April 11, 2024
A semi-monthly newsletter from Grand Plans designed to normalize and celebrate our glorious geri-destiny through information, stories, real talk conversation, smart planning and shared experience.
Things I’m prattling on about today
From time to time, I hear WTF? downloads from folks relaying some really crazy will and related gifting stories that give me the absolute geri-squirms. Spoiler alert: every bonkers bequest narrative ends with eternally hurt feelings, lots of question marks and some dead person’s blighted legacy. So let’s talk about all that.
Designing a last will and testament or generous gifting strategy does not have to be complicated. It can be thoughtful and meaningful, and it can be personal and contextual. But I’m here to tell you simple, frank and fair always win the day when it comes to being remembered for your benevolence.
A Grand Plans workshop participant recently talked about some hurtful inequities in her parents giving strategies for grandchildren in the family. In the end, it was poor planning — they didn’t think there would be so many (four!) grandchildren — and a lack of communication that resulted in feelings of dismay. “It’s not like we were the Duggars or something,” my friend laughed. She shared a recent New York Times opinion piece about in-laws who gave gifts to two grandchildren and not the third. In this case, the solution was communication and acceptance, the latter of which is hard to do when you feel slighted. At the end of the day, of course, gifting is up to the giver. But considering equity, simplicity and an openness to discussion will mitigate any hurt feelings the receiver might otherwise harbor in perpetuity.
This thinking applies most specifically to the construction of your last will and testament. I’d need more hands to count the number of times I’ve heard tales of estate planning and distribution stories gone very, very wrong. In one case, two siblings discovered in the reading of an aunt’s will that their third and fourth siblings were cut out of the will entirely, because she didn’t like their spouses. Geez. Louise. So wrong! Then there are the tales of someone getting more or less than they expected after a loved one’s passing, or children being unceremoniously deleted altogether, or long lost cousins or new model spouses getting more than anyone thought they deserved. And no one knew any of this ahead of time because no one ever talked about it and leveled expectations early on like mature, loving human beings should.
Simple, frank, fair.
Inequity was not the case in my experience. When my grandparents died following my mother’s early and untimely passing, everything was divided even Steven between my mother’s brother, my brother and me. Same story for my father, who had kept things very straightforward and equitable and whose executor was my fair-minded legal eagle brother. But I see it happening around me enough to make my heart hurt because this ongoing legacy marring is so dang avoidable with a little simple, frank and fair.
The answer lies in applying these three little words to your estate and end-of-life planning documents. Is this simple? Is this frank? Is this fair? My friend, Wilbur, who writes beautiful obituaries and has experienced his share of elder care management over the years, advocates the addition of an ethical will, a nonlegal document that passes ethical values from one generation to the next. This helps ensure everyone is aligned with a last will and testament’s intent. I think this is a great idea.
“The idea is to convey the spirit of your life in a way that a will written by a lawyer never would,” he explained to me over text recently. “To be honest, wills are written in an innately abrasive style. It’s hard to think that would be your last words to those you love the most and it is without a doubt not the way you’d want to say it.”
He goes on, and this part really gets to the heart of it all IMHO.
“For instance, if you have two kids and you leave one 25 percent and another 75 percent, is it not better to say to kid #1, “I love you just as much as #2, but you’ve knocked it out of the park and #2 needs it more than you,” or “When I was sick you never called or came by, while #2 was a loyal child who took the time to care for and help me, and they deserve if more.””
I agree. The bottom line is this: if your last will and testament or family contribution is void of any simple, frank and fair, and it does not include an ethical will or previously well-articulated, loving explanation of your intentions, then chances are someone will think you’re a total a** hole for eternity and evermore. And that’s the simple, frank and fair truth..
News you can use
First things first, it’s a lot harder to give simply, fairly and frankly if you arrive into your second half in debt. And debt is a terrible gift, btw.
Trend alert: make sure you’ve listened to Beyonce’s new album “Cowboy Carter,” because it’s all the rage and it’s really, really good and speaking of gifts, being hip to the tunes is a real gift to the little little cowgirls and boys and your life.
Also trending…the crookie. Sweet.
While you’re thinking of your own simple, fair and frank gifting policies, give yourself the gift of a good napping strategy.
Grand Plans Podcast
Season 3 of the Grand Plans podcast has a few more hits queued up. The final few episodes are interviews with local professionals and elder movers and shakers. This week, I talked to Seniors on a Mission Executive Director and Founder Joanne Hickox. She has an incredible vision for senior housing called G3. You won’t want to miss it! Find it wherever you download your podcasts. Here’s a link to Season 3 Episode 6.
Geris-prudence
From U.S. News & World Report:
“Having a will is considered by many to be the cornerstone of estate planning. This document can be used to designate who gets your assets, your property and even your minor children if you pass away.
It's not always the most significant estate planning document since you can transfer assets like retirement accounts simply by naming beneficiaries. But still, having a poorly written or out-of-date will can be costly and derail an otherwise well-planned estate.
Experts typically advise that individuals get their basic estate planning documents in order after major life events such as when they get married or buy a home – and then revisit them regularly, especially around retirement time.
Learn how to complete your will using the following 11 simple steps:”
Advanced health and wellness
From the National Institute on Aging:
The grand sum
From AARP:
“Providing financial security to your heirs after you're gone is a goal you can reach via multiple routes. Here's a guide to some common options you shouldn't overlook.”
Shelf life
What? You haven’t heard? The Lost Art of Listening is a great book, and of course, listening is very important to good communication, which is an essential part of the simple, frank, fair approach to designing a healthy legacy.
Shared experience
We can all learn from each other’s geri-scary moments. What are some of your takeaway lessons? What have you promised yourself you’ll never do to your loved ones? What worked for you? What didn’t? More conversation and story-sharing helps elevate the senior experience for all of us. If you want to share your grand tales, email susannabarton@me.com and I’ll put them in an upcoming newsletter.
O-bitchin’
This memorial piece about tailor-to-the-presidents Martin Greenfield is well suited to his style. What a life well lived!
Some golden gedunk and goods
Get yourself another few copies of Grand Plans: How to Mitigate Geri-Drama in 20 Easy Steps and the Grand Planner for all the people who like getting gifts in your life! Visit www.mygrandplans.com for links to purchase on Amazon.
And
Check out our Grand Plans merch in our Etsy storefront.
